News - Relationships
All relationships run into trouble from time to time. Part of the
great dynamic of having a partner is working through the small
conflicts, finding compromise and growing stronger as you go along.
Sometimes, though, the conflict becomes a rut you can’t seem to get
out of. The rows grow louder, the cold silences last longer, the
issues are repetitive and you both slip into misery. If you have
children, it’s all the harder because you see it rubbing off on them
but neither of you can seem fo find a way out.
Counselling can help. It creates a space to explore what’s causing
the conflict. One of the keys to maintaining healthy relationships
is ongoing communication but in practice, this is not easy. If
you’re angry, hurt and resentful, you’re unlikely to be able to
encourage your partner to talk. Who wants to really open up and bare
their heart to someone who is likely to respond with criticism or
ridicule? Having such a conversation under the guidance of a trained
counseller can be much easier and may reveal the hidden needs or
insecurities that cause the rows and the silences in the first
place.
It’s tempting to approach counselling with a view to having the
other half see the error of their ways but really you need to be
ready to examine your own feelings and behaviour. You both need to
take the focus off each other and consider yourselves. Being aware
of your own contribution to a situation through your behaviour and
attitude can serve a relationship well. It requires very honest self
expression. What is it about the other person’s behaviour that’s
really getting under your skin? Is there something else going on
with you which is causing the irritability? Why do you feel
withdrawn from them? Such self awareness can prove rich and
rewarding as it allows room for empathy and acceptance in
recognising and respecting each others needs.
Being in a relationship also means you must actively listen to how
your partner feels. You may not agree with them, you may not think
they have a right to be annoyed or to place demands on you but you
have to accept that this is what they feel and we are all entitled
to our own feelings. You may not be able to fulfill their needs - or
they may be unable to fulfill yours - but you must both find empathy
for the other’s position.
Non-verbal communication such as facial expressions, body language,
silence and so on can have a more powerful impact on our
relationships than simple conversation or argument. If you have a
tendency to withdraw it would be beneficial to explore possible
reasons for such, which may include needing to feel safe, to avoid
getting hurt, fear of being judged or fear of rejection. Sometimes
if you can resolve your own inner conflicts, you’re better able to
participate in the relationship.
Overall it is important to remember that we must take responsibility
for ourselves, to own and express our feelings and simultaneously
acknowledge the feelings of others. This is where counselling can
help as frequently we find it difficult to express our feelings. If
you chooses to suppress your emotions then the chances are, there
will be negative consequences for the relationship.
At the end of the day, relationships are about relating and learning
from one another. The need to respect difference and the need for
boundaries are two very important features. In order to grasp an
understanding of the various dynamics in relationships one could
view it as a constant work in progress, a process whereby our wants
and needs are evolving all the time. The bottom line is how do we
meet this challenge, what are we doing to help or hinder our own
relating and how can one achieve and maintain a sense of self whilst
enjoying the benefits of a healthy relationship?
Couples Counselling is available at SouthWest counselling centre.